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A valuable addition to our modern lifestyle21 February Ye Olde WorldOnce upon a time there was a boy; a small boy with whispy hair and squinty eyes. This boy had a name, and his name happened to be Geoffrey. Geoffrey liked swimming. He liked to swim so much that his father paid to have a swimming pool built in the middle of their garden so he could swim whenever he liked. Every moning before school Geoffrey would run down to the pool and jump into the middle making the biggest splash he could. The water would be so cold, but he would jump straight in without a second thought. Geoffrey would swim for ten minutes, before he got out and trapsed his dripping path back to his house where his mother would be waiting with a warm towel to envelop him with as soon as he walked through the door. Geoffrey went to a private school where he got to wear a large straw hat. Some people called this a boat, but Geoffrey didn't understand why. He didn't think it looked like a boat. He thought it looked more like a hat than anything else. But he never corrected anyone when they called it a boat. Geoffrey liked his school. He liked his classmates. He liked doing his homework. He liked eating the sandwiches his mother made for him under the large helicopter tree outside his classroom. Geoffrey liked helicopters. He liked the way they spun in the air.
At the age of 29 Geoffrey sexually assaulted three young boys. He was arrested and diagnosed as insane. Geoffrey now live in Cherry Grove hospital. He gets to swim all he likes. And he can spin like a helicopter all the time, strapped to his bed in the dark. 14 September WhoopsydaisiesHey party people!
This week has been fantastic. Surreal, but nice! "I love that movie a worrying amout." The highlight was undoubtedly the day out to Rudyard Lake with Chola and Strudey. "Rudyard Kipling: doesn't he make cakes?" Hehe, I actually used to think exactly the same thing, so I can't have too big a chuckle. And we went on the little steam train, which I remember being A LOT bigger! But it was a really fun day out. As soon as I can drive...
While I'm on the subject of driving, I went around some stupid roundabouts yesterday! It was so much more difficult than I thought it would be. There are so many things to think about. I was on a downslope as well so I had to "control my initial speed with my brake" and I muffed up the steering totally when I turned my indicators on. I spewed off to the left almost onto the pavement. Stupid roundabouts. And Penny's making me do three point turns next lesson, which sounds a bit scary as well. I've haven't been in reverse yet. And oh yeah, when I'd pulled up so Penny could talk to me, a CRAZY dog flopped out in front of the car and WOULD NOT move. I think it may actually have been dying :( but it was being very inconsiderate if blocking me was to be its last action.
My parents have been in the Lake District for three days, so I've had the house to myself. I have of course done the mandatory performance of Baby Got Back in my boxer shorts! I kinda wish I'd recorded it. It could have earned me loads of money and got me into the next Big Brother. Then again... Also, since I've been on my own, I have not stopped eating. I seriously think I've put on about half a stone this week, which is undoubtedly a good thing. I've also watched my entire DVD collection, including Interview With The Vampire with "Isn't this a 12?"- Strudey. And this is where I really embarrass him! However fantastic he is, he seems to have real problems opening things, such as sandwich packets; and microwaves; and my front door; and my front gate! Bless him.
But my Mum and Dad are coming back soon so I must tidy up, and do all the things they asked me to do days ago!
Muchas love to you all! 05 September Contains bloody violenceThis blogging lark is becoming much more frequent. I'm training my brain to work again after two months of doing absolutely nothing! You can tell with the crap that I've been writing lately. If you read some of my older blogs you'll see that I can actually write properly :p I need a god damn job! I'm that desperate I've applied to do volunteer work with the rangers in Macclesfied Forest, which should actually be quite fun and will look extremely good on my CV, but there's still the problem of my serious lack of legal tender. My mum suggested that I worked at Sainsbury's to get her 20% off her shopping. Though this appeared to be quite a selfish proposal on her part, she sweetened the deal by saying that if I got her that discount then I wouldn't have to pay board, which sounds quite a good deal. But I'd still rather look for something more inspirational than being a checkout guy.
Yesterday was a seriously cool, considering I went out on a 60's style day trip to Llandudno for my Mum's Birthday. As soon as I can drive I'm taking people for a day out at the seaside! It should should be getting sunny again by then as well! We might even be able to go in the sea :D but the water did look disturbingly brown yesterday :s so it may not be advisable. But that would be a good little day out, I'll suggest my proposal to a member of the commitee! Useless fools they were :p
But yesterday's greatest revelation came when Kirsty phoned me when I was about to go into a mine, with a bright orange crash hat on, looking like a member of the village people! Basically, it turns out that she had no accomodation at Chester so she had decided not to go this year. So she's joined the mass of people taking a gap year, which in my opinion is definately the right way to go! But the upshot of this is that virtually all my friends are staying in Macc this year which is fantastic :D there is the slight problem everyone seems to be flatly refusing to see me lately :( which is only mildly depressing. I really don't get women :p How can you get on with someone so well one day and then refuse to go out again? :s And it's not like I'm trying to 'go out' with them either. They're my best friends and have been for years, and it's kind of upsetting that they don't seem to be making any attempts to stay in touch :'(
And on that cheery note, my tea's ready. Mmmm fish pie :D
I love you all; you're beautiful! x x
03 September You win again gravityHmmm, was Lee threatening to kill me in his comment?
Creepy guy.
Anyway, I'm going to the seaside tomorrow :D which is mildly exciting. It's gonna piss down all day, but it'll be fun in its own little way. I want to invite people but I'm guessing it would be extremely rude to invite friends to your Mum's Birthday outing. So if you're free tomorrow... :p
What elese has happened? Well, my cousins came round. And my little cousin is depressingly bigger than me :( and my big cousin is considerably bigger than me! No wonder his mates call him 'Steroids!' And he has cool hair, like mine only straighter. Grr on him; well actually grr on my frizzy locks!
I have a strange craving for mint choc-chip icecream :s
Hehe, my Dad was hilarious this afternoon. He was watching Star Wars epsiode something. The one with the "No Luke, I am your father." line. And he was doing every sound effect. "Bvvvvvvvvmmm" "Peow peow peoow" etc. And disturbingly he did a perfect impression of Chewbacca, or however the hell you spell that.
And now I'm off to watch Corpse Bride.
Fair fortune be yours x 02 September Beauty queen of only 18I feel a blog is called for. Only I can't actually remember much that's happened lately.
I feel bullet points coming on.
I knew there were bullet points coming!
Time for an ambiguous insult: You're a cock! Hmm who am I talking about? *casts shrouds of confusion over my allegecies* Should I give initials? Hehe, how childish we are :p
"Sorry I can't talk; I'm undercover."
I remembered quite a bit once I got going! And a final thought: SHE IS NOT A BE-ATCH! (and you well know it) 16 August Underwear goes inside the pantsWhy is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what's not natural? 80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural. But we got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt? You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: "Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?" Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it. Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is: people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean. I'm like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that? That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy. The schools now: It is all about self-esteem in the schools now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs? What's going to happen to our porno industry? These women don't just grown on trees. It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks. And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection? Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time. You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east. Terrorists masterminds. Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don't you think? They're not masterminds. "OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?" "Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can't I just:" "Who's the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?" Americans, let's face it: We've been a spoiled country for a long time. Do you know what the number one health risk in America is? Obesity. They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic. An epidemic like it is polio. Like we'll be telling our grand kids about it one day. The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004. "How'd you get through it grandpa?" "Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere." Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle. I'll sit at a drive thru. I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter. Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large. You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There's room in the back. Take it! Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It's only three more cents. Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft? Of course not. You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think, "You'll see. I'm going to take of the world of computers! I'll show them." We're in one of the richest countries in the world, but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago. There are homeless people everywhere. This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard. People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they're just going to waste it. Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit? Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He's homeless. I walked behind this guy the other day. A homeless guy asked him for money. He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don't you go get a job you bum. People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy. This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants. Outside his pants. I'm guessing his resume isn't all up to date. I'm predicting some problems during the interview process. I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has a "underwear goes inside the pants" policy. Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I'm sure it is on the books. 14 August Tell that to the eel swimming up my arseWell hello there. Firstly, having a "Band of the second" feature is quite demanding. I hope you appreciate the quality linkages I'm providing! This time I'm featuring The Killers and iForward Russia! who i heard live on VH2 or something and they were incredible. So listen fools!
Strudey and others are at Summer Sundae this weekend. If there's anyone left on the planet who hasn't heard his story, he'll probably want to put it on his own blog, so I wont steal his future material! All I'll say is that it involves cookies! And, on a similar note, Strudey phoned me during what I pressume was 500 miles by The Proclaimers, but all I heard was a loud hummm. Hehe. That song will always bring back hilarious memories! "Just imagine sticking your tongue in a fermentation tank!" LMAO!
I now have a definate plan for my year out which reads (in no particular order)
And this week has been quite progressive on all those fronts (except for my hair which I suppose has grown as much this week as during any other week). After being rejected/ignored by interesting companies I've decided to set my sights a little lower and get a regular shop job, so I've applied for a job in Smiths. Maybe I'll work with Rimmsy for a bit! That would be a larf! It also means I could volunteer around that with Groundwork or The National Trust which would dramatically improve my CV. I've also found myself a driving instructor, but it'll be a while until I can have my first lesson because of stupid tings like results day and playing cricket against an Indian under 19 team (who will be scarily good). And, I found a really cool organisation in the back of a UCAS magazine which runs expeditions to cool places. So I'm applying to go on a global warming research expedition to Greenland next summer. Which would be unbelievably exciting! Unfortunately I think I'm supposed to have experience of camping and stuff but hopefully if I get an interview I'll blow them away with my witt and resourcefulness!
So that's pretty much it.
Fix up look sharp!
Mofo! 09 August It wouldn't let me say **** in the titleNow you must be a boy with balls like that.
I say you got me wrong!
Hehe. Why do transexuals always make me think of Kirsty? Hehe. In a good way of course
 Erm, what have I been doing then? Well I've been listening to Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis on a loop for about a week now! I've booked my first driving lesson. Well, actually I didn't. I phoned the woman but she was going out so she said she'd phone me back later. That must be a good thing for my driving instructor to be going out on the lash on a Tuesday!
My gosh, I have nothing to say |
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