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16 August Underwear goes inside the pantsWhy is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what's not natural? 80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural. But we got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt? You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: "Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?" Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it. Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is: people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean. I'm like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that? That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy. The schools now: It is all about self-esteem in the schools now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs? What's going to happen to our porno industry? These women don't just grown on trees. It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks. And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection? Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time. You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east. Terrorists masterminds. Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don't you think? They're not masterminds. "OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?" "Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can't I just:" "Who's the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?" Americans, let's face it: We've been a spoiled country for a long time. Do you know what the number one health risk in America is? Obesity. They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic. An epidemic like it is polio. Like we'll be telling our grand kids about it one day. The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004. "How'd you get through it grandpa?" "Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere." Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle. I'll sit at a drive thru. I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter. Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large. You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There's room in the back. Take it! Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It's only three more cents. Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft? Of course not. You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think, "You'll see. I'm going to take of the world of computers! I'll show them." We're in one of the richest countries in the world, but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago. There are homeless people everywhere. This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard. People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they're just going to waste it. Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit? Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He's homeless. I walked behind this guy the other day. A homeless guy asked him for money. He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don't you go get a job you bum. People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy. This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants. Outside his pants. I'm guessing his resume isn't all up to date. I'm predicting some problems during the interview process. I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has a "underwear goes inside the pants" policy. Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I'm sure it is on the books. 14 August Tell that to the eel swimming up my arseWell hello there. Firstly, having a "Band of the second" feature is quite demanding. I hope you appreciate the quality linkages I'm providing! This time I'm featuring The Killers and iForward Russia! who i heard live on VH2 or something and they were incredible. So listen fools!
Strudey and others are at Summer Sundae this weekend. If there's anyone left on the planet who hasn't heard his story, he'll probably want to put it on his own blog, so I wont steal his future material! All I'll say is that it involves cookies! And, on a similar note, Strudey phoned me during what I pressume was 500 miles by The Proclaimers, but all I heard was a loud hummm. Hehe. That song will always bring back hilarious memories! "Just imagine sticking your tongue in a fermentation tank!" LMAO!
I now have a definate plan for my year out which reads (in no particular order)
And this week has been quite progressive on all those fronts (except for my hair which I suppose has grown as much this week as during any other week). After being rejected/ignored by interesting companies I've decided to set my sights a little lower and get a regular shop job, so I've applied for a job in Smiths. Maybe I'll work with Rimmsy for a bit! That would be a larf! It also means I could volunteer around that with Groundwork or The National Trust which would dramatically improve my CV. I've also found myself a driving instructor, but it'll be a while until I can have my first lesson because of stupid tings like results day and playing cricket against an Indian under 19 team (who will be scarily good). And, I found a really cool organisation in the back of a UCAS magazine which runs expeditions to cool places. So I'm applying to go on a global warming research expedition to Greenland next summer. Which would be unbelievably exciting! Unfortunately I think I'm supposed to have experience of camping and stuff but hopefully if I get an interview I'll blow them away with my witt and resourcefulness!
So that's pretty much it.
Fix up look sharp!
Mofo! 09 August It wouldn't let me say **** in the titleNow you must be a boy with balls like that.
I say you got me wrong!
Hehe. Why do transexuals always make me think of Kirsty? Hehe. In a good way of course
 Erm, what have I been doing then? Well I've been listening to Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis on a loop for about a week now! I've booked my first driving lesson. Well, actually I didn't. I phoned the woman but she was going out so she said she'd phone me back later. That must be a good thing for my driving instructor to be going out on the lash on a Tuesday!
My gosh, I have nothing to say 06 August Let's get it on with the aligator hatersFirstly; what the feck has happened to my space!? It looks mildly funky; and I don't like it!
Secondly; I spent the whole of last week painting my Gran's bathroom. She stubornly stuck to her choice to have me paint it green (to go with her bright orange bathroom suit) so I had little choice but to paint it anyway, knowing how horrible it would look. And guess what, when I'd finished she decided that I'd been right all along and that green did in fact clash with orange. So I had to do it all again in white. Stupid lady. But I got some money and fish and chips out of it :p.
In slightly more exciting news (for me anyway) I scored my first ever hundred yesterday. I might even be in the Macc Express so the reporter who normally watches the first team came to the wrong ground, so he got to watch my immaculate 109
 Slightly worse news (for me anyway) is that it looks like I'm going to have to work in Tescos or something next year
 because all the stupid companies I sent my CV to are too pompous and generally ignorant to see the true brilliance I could offer them Hehe, this has been an exceedingly arrogant blog, and I like it!
Stay out of trouble you crazy kids |
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